05-25-14
Like most internet, social media flare ups, I'm not sure I understand the point of #YesAllWomen. Is it to make me feel like an asshole for having a penis? Is it to make me feel bad because there are mentally unwell people who do bad things in the name of ...? Maybe a better message should have been about how we need better funding for mental health issues or be able to spot the sings of dangerous behavior, but to make this an us against them issue makes me think you think I'm some kind of monster, or maybe I should walk on egg shells around you because I'm this demon a hairs breath from a murderous rampage. Either way, it could be better. it could always be better. Let's try to be better.



08-13-10
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mrs. Ari Gold, Perrey Reeves
Perrey Reeves

And from 1995 Perrey Reeves from the movie Kicking and Screaming.
Perrey Reeves Nude  Perrey Reeves Nude


07-11-10
You gotta love YouTube ads.

Garfunkle and Oats



03-05-10
A lot of stuff I would've written here I write on Twitter.
If you want you can follow me at : @ugtvdotorg or even simpler. http://twitter.com/ugtvdotorg
11-16-09
There's an old story of Andre the Giant getting so drunk at a restaurant, that he passes out. Because he was a giant, the staff was unable to move him from his spot. So they did what anyone else would do. They got him on to the floor, rolled him under a table, and put a sheet over them until he sobered up. That's why I want to make the film, My Dinner with Andre the Giant.

08-29-09
Just played the new game Wet. It's like if Mirrors Edge and Quentin Tarantino had a baby.

06-20-09
If you told me in high school that there'd come a time where'd I have to seriously consider if I would fuck her, I woulda said you were crazy.


06-15-09
I love that Seth MacFarlane's impression of Paul Lynde is way more subdued than the real Paul Lynde.

For Instance :



06-12-09
I, like the rest of America, love finding flaws in successful people. Especially beautiful famous people. And with that I present to you, Megan Fox's thumb.

Megan Fox Thumb


05-29-09
I rarely want to post about my dreams, but this one was so awesome. It's basically the plot of Jurassic Park 4. In this version they don't have any genetic code for the dinosaurs, but they feel they can fake it. Of course something goes wrong and they get loose. While being cornered by a T-Rex, Ben Stiller and I notice a little bit of its tail has caught on fire and the T-Rex's eyes get real big. We start running and the T-Rex explodes into a lot of goo. We ask one of the scientists and he says, "Yeah, that was a problem we've been working on. Then Ben Stiller starts screaming, "They explode, why didn't you just give them ninja swords and machine guns while you were at it."

Maybe I shouldn't post my dreams. I'm afraid this one might come true.



05-18-09
Last night I saw this movie and someone said this thing that I hate. And I'm pretty sure he's the same guy that said it last time. I'm beginning to think that film makers aren't even trying to put together a movie that holds up to any kind of story line scrutiny.



05-05-09
I love the non committal answer to my assertion.


05-04-09
I haven't been posting a lot the last few months because I've been working on the monthly animation competition at the 11 Second Club. The deal is they give you a sound file and you animate to it.
I missed the deadline for March, but I'm posting it here anyway.


Here's what I did for April.



04-28-09
I'm beginning to think that Dolly Parton is a prophet. She wrote a song called Jolene, about a woman pleading with Jolene not to take her man just because she can. And then twenty years later Angelina Jolie(ne) steals Billy Bob Thorton away from Laura Dern, and Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston. Coincidence?



04-19-09
My favorite things of tonight.

"My friends had a steady diet of some kind of pork product, crappy beer, and cigarettes, because they gotta shit sometime."

"She just gave me a glancing blow. I tell my women evey time. Don't give me a glancing blow because I have to reset every time. Don't look at me when you do that!"

03-06-09
I'm dissapointed that kids today will never know the frustration of watching scrambled porn.


02-12-09
Is Joaquin Phoenix the new Andy Kaufman, or is he completely drugged out of his mind?



01-29-09
It's in every company's best interest for you to quit every five years. Because how long can you stay excited about a job? At some point all the excitement you felt coming into the job and all the pressure you felt being the new guy is gone, and now you're on cruise control. Sure, the company will sink some extra time into training the new person, but they'll get that back with all the extra productivity the new person generates. It's like a movie. Sure you can make a three hour movie, but there's gonna be a lot of slow parts. Or you could make a really solid 90 minute film and it would be better for everyone.



01-23-09
Does anyone ever second guess Sherwood Schwarz? Does anyone ever say, "Hey Sher! In this show, The Brady Bunch, does the dad hafta be an architect? Cuz he lives in like the worst designed house ever. I mean really, it's a terrible use of space. Couldn't he be like a advertising exec, or a porno producer or something? No. No one ever does.



01-22-09
Oh, yeah. Happy new year.



01-21-09
We're working on a porno at work, "The Bi-Curious Case of Benjamin's Butt."



01-20-09
I'm practicing my response to the most asked question today, "Isn't it exciting?" No. Exciting was the election. The election is over. Inaugurations are boring. But you can't say that. Just like you can't say how you're really feeling when someone asks. So instead I will say. Oh, yeah.



12-16-08
I'm sure by now we've all seen the shoe throwing incident. I have been analyzing it like the Zapruder film. Here's what I've figured out.

If you haven't seen the video, the best one is here :


via videosift.com



12-04-08
We stayed at a guys place in the hamptons a couple of years ago. He's so rich he has miniature show ponies on the property. Show ponies with huge cocks.





12-03-08
YouTube banned it because it was too dirty. They're right! NSFW!





12-02-08
This is left over from the Alanis Morissette song.





12-01-08
I stole this joke from the movie "roll models," but they only gave it a quick mention, and I thought it needed to be visualized.





11-10-08
Here's another passage from my failed novel.

"I keep meeting all these people who have the dream. The frustrated dream of wanting to be something. But maybe that's just because I meet so many of them at lame auditions, because we all hope that this'll be the big break. There's got to be other people out there who don't care. People who are just thrilled to be chugging along. I think we're too high on the food chain now. There's no major war, no great cause we rally around. There's no distractions from our daily lives. There's no reason not to buy silk stockings or buy war bonds. We're just all stuck with our lives, and that's all we have to think about. There are no more distractions. I once worked for a company that made visual aids, so lawyers could sue each other better. You could've taken that job, that whole company, and wiped it off the face of the earth, and nobody would have missed it. They sued before us. They'll be just fine. So where is the piece in all of this? How do I reconcile the fact that I'll never be famous. Never be a millionaire. I think I'll just have to take the good times and stack them end to end and find the joy in that. Or maybe I'll get lost in the details."



11-09-08
I forgot to mention the first time I went to Seattle, this guy sat next to me and told me to turn off my iPod because the stewardess said we weren't supposed to have any electronic equipment on. He is clearly an idiot. And for more than just that.

Air Douche



11-08-08
Why is Johnny Cash on the tail section of the Alaska Air airplane?





11-07-08
Discrimination is fun. It must be, everyone is doing it. It turns out that 70% of the black voters that voted for Obama also voted to ban gay marriage. This trend is nothing new. It turns out each ethnic group that came here took their turn being marginalized and then as soon as the next group came in, they piled on. At one point in America there were signs in the windows that read "No Irish." Remeber kids, discrimination is fun, when it's not happening to you. And knowing is 3/5 of the battle. (I love 19th century political humor.)



11-06-08
I was cleaning off my hard drive tonight and I found this. It was a piece of a novel I wrote in 2004. I wrote the piece in 2004, I never finished or even began the novel. In this part I'm talking to a guy named Mark who thinks he'll be famous one day doing stand up comedy. I've already been down that road. Here's the piece. I musta been channeling Chuck.

"He stands with his ash butt flicking. Still hopeful. I don't know how he does it. 'I'm thinking about trying standup comedy,' he says. You'd have more fun getting punched in the face. Not that he's bad at it, I don't know. It's just that even if you're great it's bad hours, bad people, and for what? That if you're good enough you can perform for more bad people in more bad cities, for bad money on bad hours? Punched in the face is better. Way better. But somehow he's still optimistic. He's 4 years older than me, in a worse situation, but he's still optimistic. He blows smoke. 'So I'm working my shitty job, for shitty pay, but there's still that chance that I'm gonna take fire and really do something.' He smiles. I don't ask him the big question. It's his party, why do that to him. He's already feeling bad enough already. Don't bother."



11-05-08
I am stunned by how much America hates the gays. Ellen's got a big time talk show, Will and Grace was a big hit, George Takei never gets a negative letter when he's on the Stern Show, and yet yesterday people went to the polls and voted against Homosexuals every way they could. But you can read more about that here.



10-29-08
The only reason the Republican party is still around is that they are the party for the single issue voter. Whether it's guns, religion, or abortion, people who care about these issues are blind to everything else in politics. To the single issue voter it doesn't matter how crappy the economy is, they're just scared to death that the Democrats are gonna steal their guns.



9-30-08
Why do parents read "Jack and the Beanstalk," to their kids? It's the story of a guy that stupidly trades the family cow for magic beans. Then when that doesn't work out he robs people and kills them. Great roll model. You know who this sounds like? Scarface. A guy who's not terribly bright by getting rich through murder and illegal activity. Attention parents, you wouldn't let your kids watch Scarface why are you reading them this?


9-20-08
I don't understand why people drink Bud and Coors. If I want to drink a beer, give me something that tastes like beer and not beer flavored water. And it's not like either of them are particularly cheap anymore either. If you're gonna drink shit beer because you're cheap, go for the gold and get Keystone.



8-25-08
I love it when crackpots crap on other crackpot's ideas. I had one conversation with an astral projectionists who thought the people who believed in physically traveling faster than the speed of light were crazy. Sure doing that with your mind is one thing but... Or the levitating meditator who thought the people who did "photo reading," the practice of looking at an entire page of a book at a time, weren't really getting anything out of it.



8-14-08
It seems really hard to do the right thing. You want to eat a salad they charge you $6, but greasy burger from the value meal is a $1. You want to follow the rules, but you see the cheaters getting ahead. You want to put solar panels on your roof and they'll charge you $30K and possibly never a return on your investment.



8-09-08
Frank Caliendo was on the Adam Carolla show suggesting that with the recent retirement of Brett Favre, the number 4 should be replaced with Favre. Things get a little difficult once you get into twenty-Favre, but we'll work it out. It's a great segment, and you can download it here.



8-08-08
8-8-8 How awesome is that!



8-07-08
Does anyone else think it's weird that at the beginning of every "Mister Rogers Neighborhood," Fred Rogers takes off his blazer, puts on his sweater, takes off his loafers and puts on his sneakers? Then at the end of every episode he does the reverse? Where is he going and where has he come from? Is he just an insurance adjuster that does an episode on his lunch break? Plus it's kinda weird that he spends so much time showing you what other people do, but yet we have no idea what he does. It's all very suspect.



8-06-08
If you can't get cast in a good movie, make sure you're the best thing in a bad movie. If you have any doubts, just ask Angelina Jolie and Ryan Reynolds.



8-05-08
Whenever you copy something, the idea is you analyze the formula, figure out what works and improve upon what doesn't. Miriam's been watching "So You Think You Can Dance," which is a clear copy of American Idol. The odd part is, they think the formula is the judges. The formula they're using is : Judge #1) British dick, Judge #2) Nice guy with nothing really to say, Judge #3) Certifiable wack job.



8-04-08
The Dutch get a really bad rap. So many bad things are named after the Dutch. Going Dutch means you're too cheap to foot the bill. A Dutch oven is the classic move of farting under the covers and then fluffing them over your partners head. The Dutch really get a bad deal.



8-01-08
By the way that guy won the Song Parody Contest.



7-31-08
I just got back from a business trip. You can check out my photo essay here. I'm pretty sedate in most of the photos because I'm a nervous flier and I need something to keep me from having a heart attack. The effects of Klonopin don't wear off as soon as you touch down.



7-19-08
The Losing Strategy.
So I entered the "Howard Stern, Baba Booey Song Parody Contest." Baba Booey songs are much different than most because most of them, the best ones, have the words "Baba Booey," as the sum total of their lyrics. This means that song choice rather than lyrical content is key. As opposed to the song parody contest I won in 2000, I only had one entry. I only had one because every song I thought to parody had already been done over the years. My song was "Carmina Burana," by Carl Orff. I was walking through the BART station today listening to the finalists of the contest and they announced"Carmina Booey," and I was ecstatic. Ten seconds into it I realized it wasn't mine. I was so sure no one was going to do that song. I went from crazy happy to super angry instantly. The thing that drove me crazy was that I had skipped the slow part, and this entry had not. His performance was better. Mine had better lyrics.

I just listened to mine again. God is that awful.



7-11-08
We watched the first Saturday Night Live in honor of the passing of George Carlin. They really had no idea what they were doing for that first episode. Two performances by Janis Ian, two by Billy Preston, four standup bits from George and one real sketch. They did Weekend Update, but other than that most of the sketches were a sixty second setup and a ten second punch line. I have no idea what they did for episode two.



7-10-08
I can't believe I forgot to mention the "Muddy Buddy," race. The race is two people, one bike, and every check point you switch who rides the bike. Thanks to the advice of the website I elected to ride the bike first, because I'm not a strong runner, and there are an odd number of switches, which would mean I'd be on the bike more often. What they don't tell you is the first leg of the race is straight up a hill. Which means I'm not only running up the hill, because it's too steep to bike, I'm now dragging the bike with me. So for the person who's a weaker runner, I'm not only running as much as the other person, I'm doing it with a thirty pound bike I gotta push along side me. Suck fest.



7-9-08
It usta be that if you danced with your hands over your head you danced like a gay man. But the man in front of us danced with his hands firmly in his back pockets. I danced with my hands firmly in my front pockets. So it is no longer a factor of hand placement. And you can't say it's defined by enthusiasm. The man five rows ahead of us was doing what can only be described as the boxing nun. Perhaps gay dancing can be described in terms of elegance, or coordination. Of which, the boxing nun had none. He was clearly straight.



7-8-08
We just saw YAZ in concert. If you're wondering what that's like, imagine two of your friends from high school, 20 years older, 75 lbs heavier and one of them plays the laptop. And if your friends have a gay following, they are worshiped.



7-7-08
On Friday, Miriam and I went to Fry's Electronics. She was quite the trooper. I had a list. She was doing great until she saw some old guy buying porn. I was fine until she said the title of the porn was "Finger Bangers." What kind of sicko buys finger banging porn?



7-3-08
At some point you reach a level of disadvantage, where it is no longer OK to call it a problem. The disabled are differently abled, the retarded are developmentally challenged. I am not melaninly challenged or low visioned. I'm pale, I have BAD eye site, I walk on the inside of my feet, it hurts if I stand for more than five minutes. That's it.



7-2-08
I've decided on the topic for my birthday VLOG this year. –e + p = s. Stay tuned.



6-24-08
When people argue against gay marriage, they always say, "Should I be allowed to marry my dog?" I think you should. As long as the dog genuinely loves the person, why not? I'm allowed to leave money to my dog. I can buy health care for my dog. Those are many reasons why people get married. Why CAN'T I marry my dog?



6-23-08
And another thing about tramp stamps. Why would you get a tattoo in a place that was almost impossible to see? I know women who get this because they're rebelling, and they want to define themselves by it, and yet they'll just have to trust it's still there.



6-15-08
I want to invent a time machine, go back to the 70s and do a bachelor type show with Paul Lindt, Liberace, and Charles Nelson Riley and try and find them a wife. That would be awesome.



6-14-08
The 70s were an odd time for gay men in Hollywood. They were 20 times more flamboyant as the gay men we have today, but still made a point to say that they were straight. Liberace, a man in a sequined cape, would go on the Dina Shore Show and say how he'd like to get married but just hasn't found the right woman yet. I understand when you're Rock Hudson, a leading man, and you're afraid of telling Hollywood you're gay, but is Paul Lindt gonna lose his spot in center square because he likes dudes?



6-13-08
I usta regret giving up doing stand up as soon as I did. But last night I realized that the biggest laughs I ever got were jokes I stole from other people. For instance when I was doing terribly one time I made someone groan with one of my bad jokes and I grabbed a line from Letterman, "What the hell it's noise I'll take it." So now I realize that I gave up stand up at just the right time. When I walked past the cookie place after being 23 out of 25 comics, and I looked in the window and it read, "A Little Piece of Heaven," I knew it was time to stop.




6-05-08
I am thrilled that Miriam has no interest in watching the "Sex and the City," movie. In fact I am thrilled that Miriam doesn't make me watch any girlie POS that she wants to watch. That's what women have friends for.




6-04-08
I don't understand the hype around the "Sex and the City," movie. When that show ended, even the die hard fans said, "I'm glad it's over, I'm sick of SJP's stupid puns, I'm tired of her Doogie Howser style sum everything up at the end of the episode moment. And I was thrilled because that show was just ridiculous stereo types running around with the occasional perk of a nude scene by Catrall. But here we are, years later and "Sex and the City" mania is as strong as ever. I even hate the name. Why isn't it "Sex in the City?"




6-03-08
I was doodling in a meeting yesterday and I was wondering how many things I could come up with based on one simple shape. Here's what I came up with. You can see the the "Original" in red in the later drawings.

variations on a theme



6-01-08
I find that when I'm drunk I appreciate my life the most. Maybe it's clarity. Maybe it's shutting down the voices in my head. Either way it's important.




5-27-08
I'm afraid that I'm "That Guy," again. So the timeline goes like this. Funny person writes blog. I meet funny person in a class. I start reading funny person's blog, and posting comments. Funny person disagrees to a comment. I clarify. Next day funny person takes down blog citing unclear reasons.

Maybe it was me, maybe not. But my history of generating this kind of reaction and the timing is such, makes me feel that it's me. I feel like the person that ruined it for everyone else. Except this time, the person who ruined it, recognizes it, and is truly sorry.




5-24-08
I've started blogging into the future. I'm trying to make it look like I have good ideas all the time, rather than just having a bunch all at once. So I always start with today, but if I have another good idea in the same day I'll put in a new entry like it's tomorrow. But I upload the file today, or I'll forget.




05-23-08
Who the hell still gets tramp stamps? We all know it's your sign to the world that you like to fuck, so who needs to scream that from the roof top? I feel sorry for the girl who got it when it was new and something fun to do, but now every whore in America's got one. And for the new girl, do you really wanna be a whore the rest of your life? I realize being a whore when you're young is fun, but eventually you want to stop broadcasting to the world you're easy.



05-22-08
[IRONMAN SPOILER ALERT] I'm still pissed about "Ironman." So you're telling me that terrorists grab Tony Stark and give him all the Stark Enterprise weapons they've amassed over the years, so he can build them his newest weapon? "We're gonna keep this guy prisoner and give him a bunch of weapons, but we don't think he'll escape, or blow us up or anything. I know we're terrorists and we do some crazy shit, but I feel pretty solid on this one." And so you realize later in the film they were just hired to kill Tony, but they were keeping him alive to ask for more money. So are they making him build the weapon so he'll have something to do? And I'm not even going to get into his never ending chest cavity, or the ever changing role of his chest do dad.




05-21-08
I've realized that being the best at something, especially where a team is involved, is a real pain in the ass. Because you just wind up being pissed off at everyone else because they're not as good as you. And rather than trying to get them to be as good, you just get frustrated and say, "Here, give me that. I'll do it myself."




05-20-08
We had this conversation at work today.

So how did she get the job?

There was a big meeting, and someone said, "Does anyone know anybody they hate enough to do this job. Oh sure it seems fun at first, but then you gotta bunch of horny tech guys that will come around and stare and your boobs all day. And then there's Steve, the former football star, and you can't wait to get your hands on his Veiny McSchween. But then his cock rips you in half and you've got stitches going from your navel to your forehead and now you can't wear a bathing suit this summer. Sure making money sounds nice, but is it really worth the headache?"



05-13-08
The one bright spot of the Columbine school shooting is the no-bullying policy now up in most schools. It's a shame that anyone has to die for a cause, but they died for ours.



05-12-08
So I saw Iron Man this weekend. It's good, but there are some enormous plot holes in it. When I try to explain this to people I usually get the same reaction, "Oh, it's just a comic book movie, I suspend my disbelief. " No. It's a movie. A movie that my $10 says needs to make sense. The only genre that gets a free pass on plot is porn. Not only do I not worry about the plot in porn, I want as little as possible. Setup your movie world however you want, just don't violate it. Unless it's porn, then I want everything violated. I'll believe a lot of crap in movies, but it still has to follow some kind of logic.


05-07-08
I had this thought after waking up at 4:00 a.m.

Survey's show that men are more likely to vote for candidates with smaller penises. Dirty Leather Guy from the village people said, "I mean why would I want my president to have a big cock. Heís already president, why should he get everything. Maybe I should just buy him a pony too." This trend was evidenced prominently with Mitt Romney's crushing defeat in the Republican primary. "I bet you itís not only long but thick," said a man with tin foil on his head. ďAnd that is not the kind of man I want running this country." Ironically enough Hillary Clinton is still in the campaign as most voters think hers is as big as a black manís.


05-05-08
For Cinco de Mayo I made churros. They were re-branded as turdos. Here's why.

turdo




04-21-08
I made this awhile ago and never did anything with it. I stumbled across it recently and it made no sense. Until I said it out loud and kinda quickly. And then the light went off.





04-14-08



This might look familiar to people who know this site, but if it doesn't, it's also now on YouTube...



04-09-08
What's up with people on mass transit that sit on the outside of the seat, with an empty seat next to the window? I always try to cut people some slack and say, "Maybe they're getting off at the next stop and they don't want to get locked in," but that's rarely the case. Usually when you ask them if you can sit there, they do this crappy move where they just swing their legs out and not actually stand up, like they think if they stand up I'll take the outside seat. So then you have to squeeze past them, like I'm gonna look at their swung out legs and just give up? People are anti-social ass holes.


04-08-08
I live in my sweat pants. But the worst fashion look ever is the sweat pants with the shirt tucked in. Sweat pants are supposed to be casual, and they're supposed to say, "I don't care." But tucking in the shirt says, "I think you're so stupid I'm gonna tuck in my shirt and make you think this means I care." Either that or it means, "I'm so anal retentive i gotta tuck in my shirt, even while wearing sweats." Either way it's nature's way of saying, "Do not touch."



04-02-08
I found it interesting that the second to the last line of the famous John F. Kennedy speech is actually a lot more quoted than the last line.

The popular one :
And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you Ė ask what you can do for your country.

The real deal :
My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.



03-24-08
Here's another attempt at doing those one panel cartoons in the funny papers.





03-20-08
It didn't turn out like I was hoping, but here's what I imagine they'll do next on The Biggest Loser.





03-02-08
Miriam is running a marathon this weekend. People ask me if it inspires me to run. No. It reminds me of Phidippides, who ran the first marathon, from Marathon to Athens. Upon its completion, he died. To be fair he was low on electrolytes. Which is what his body craves.



02-21-08

This is one of the galleries at the N.Y. MOMA. For those of you that have lives, you may not know Stavros Niarchos is Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriend. Not THIS Stavros Niarchos. This one is probably his grandfather. So be careful, soon to be parents, when you name your kids after yourself. YOU might be magnanimous and generous, but your celebutard namesake might just get popped for a DUI because he rammed his $85,000 birthday present into a GAS-N-SIP while escaping paparazzi because his porn star girlfriend was too coked up to drive. Now you tell me which one of you the public is going to remember.



02-12-08
This was one of those ideas that didn't turn out quite like I hoped. It started out as a t-shirt idea and seems to have morphed into a blouse idea. Either way it's pop culture mixed with a history reference. Enjoy!





02-11-08

This is the most polarizing Halloween costume I've ever made. All of the men loved it, and all the women hated it.
For those of you that didn't see the outfit, there's a wire attached to the head that connects to my finger. This allowed me to move the monster wang around as if it had a mind of its own. Easily, the best part of the costume is the canister on my back that sprayed milk out of the tube that goes through the center of the prosthetic. One of my proudest moments was seeing an entire parking lot cheer as I showed off my spraying ability.

For those of you that want to make this costume, here's how.

* 10 feet of sprinkler tubing.
* 2 pair of panty hose.
* 2 toilet tank floaters.
* 1 3/4" hose clamp.
* 2 bags of pillow batting.
* 1 pre made water source (e.g. pesticide sprayer, camel back.)
* 10 feet of picture hanging wire
* Creepy guy wig, body suit, and trench coat optional.

Most of this is self explanatory except for the toilet tank floaters, you need those to make the nut sack from the panty hose.

The hardest part of this costume is to get a series of hose converters that will allow you to create a tight seal from your water source to the sprinkler tubing. Because of the massive boycott of this costume I was never able to fully master it. Another couple of tries and I think I could have gotten it. The one cautionary note I have is, you will think it is cool to use milk instead of water for your spray. Just make sure to clean every part of this completely, or next year the whole thing will stink of rotten milk.

Hopefully you'll be able to stand on my shoulders, look into the future and make a better fake penis.




01-07-08
Kids need to realize that with the advent of computers and the internet there are all kinds of new jobs available. For instance, ten years ago nobody thought you could make a career out of writing SPAM email subjects for the erection pill MegaDik. But every day I get an email with some new way of asking me if I want a bigger penis. The body of the email is the same, with the accompanying graphic changing occasionally. Over at isn'titcoolnews.com I've started compiling all my favorite subject lines I've gotten in my inbox, plus the graphics that go with them.

Good news kids, there appears to be no need to learn spelling, grammar, or punctuation to get this job. Aply today!



01-04-08
I was watching Return of the Jedi, again, and I've realized something. Luke is a terrible strategist. He thinks he's gonna waltz right into Jabba's lair, do a little mind trick on Jabba, scoop up Han Solo and split? What's his backup plan? Sticking a light saber into R2 and hack and slash your way out? Way to go genius. Emperor Palpatine, on the other hand, is the master planner. He's got the scheme that makes him Emperor in Episode III and he's got a really solid plan in Episode VI to stop the rebel alliance. If it wasn't for Vader chucking his ass down some random stove pipe, it would have worked.

Plus, have you noticed how the Emperor is all into young boy meat. When Christopher Lee got to old, he killed him off in favor of Anakin. And now he's too old, he'll toss him aside for Luke. What's that about?



01-03-08
Just a thought for all young partiers. When you get arrested, at least keep your shit together long enough to get your mug shot taken. Because if you start crying in the squad car, it's gonna be bad. And it's gonna be all over the internet. For instance :

The right way. Lindsay Lohan.
Still very doable.
The wrong way.
Former Miss Desert Sun, Kumari Fulbright.
Not even with your dick.




01-02-08
I was watching "Dick Clark's Stroked Out New Years Eve," and I loved it. Dick is still having trouble speaking, but still has a lot to say. The worst part is that his co-host, Ryan Seacrest, speaks fine, but has nothing to say. Happy New Year.



11-23-07
I was listening to The Beatles, "Eight Days a Week." What a whiny, smothering lunatic this guy is. "Eight days a week is not enough to show I care." Holy crap, give the woman some space. If you do your caring right, you should be able to do it in an afternoon, not every day of every week, plus one made up day because you are completely consumed by her.



11-19-07
Does anyone else think it's weird that 14 year old girls have more pubes than a 39 year old cougar on the prowl.



11-13-07
I am an idiot magnate. I celebrated too soon at the Billy Joel concert. The seats in front of us were empty, only to be filled three songs into the show, by arguably the most annoying people ever. I wish I had so much money that I could show up late, ignore the show, text my friends, go to the bathroom, buy more drinks so I hafta go to the bathroom again. Even if I had that money I still wouldn't be that guy.



11-12-07
I've found the cure for PMS. It's a live Billy Joel concert. If your lady is feeling a little crampy, have old BJ bust out some "Angry Young Man." It's kind of expensive, but if anyone's found anything that works better, I'd love to know. For those of you that were wondering what cover songs Mr. Joel played at his one night at the Oakland Arena, here they are :
Are you going to San Francisco
Spanish Harlem
Stand By Me
Highway to Hell
I left my Heart in San Francisco



11-04-07
There is clearly something wrong with me. There's a horrible story on the news today about a child whose body, stuffed in a large plastic storage box, washed ashore this week on an uninhabited island in Texas. I really want to care about this, but the problem is, they've got this sketch artist that's released a drawing of what she thinks the girl looked like when she was alive, and it looks like this :

Really? This is the best we can do? Don't we have, like crazy computer technology that can scan the body and build models and stuff? Don't we have something better than highering some tourist caricature hack that stopped working at the Crab Shack drawing over-sized heads on tennis playing tourists just long enough to pound out the most disturbing child rendering since Chuckie? I know, something's wrong with me.
And who knew they had islands in Texas?



09-09-07
After watching Pulp Fiction for the thousandth time I decided to memorize a bible passage of my own before I popped a cap in some dude's ass. After flipping through the bible and randomly jamming my finger down, here's what I came up with :
Romans 7:24
O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
You think God's trying to tell me something?




07-21-07
I was saddened when I realized that future generations will have no idea what a mentos commercial is like. I love you YouTube.



For a better quality video you can see the Foo Fighters "Big Me," video which parodies the Mentos commercials, without changing much at all.






06-13-07
I'm fascinated by things nerds love that seem to have no connection to one another. Computers is a gimmie, but most nerds also LOVE Monty Python. And not the movies as much as the TV shows. You get three nerds in a room and I can bet you you'll hear the parrot sketch. They also love "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" books. Maybe nerds just like things from England, like Harry Potter. I consider myself more geeky than nerdy. Where I do enjoy these things, I haven't made it my life's work to memorize them completely.



06-11-07
I've been watching a lot of 30th anniversary Star Wars stuff, and I've made a few revelations. Originally I thought that Star Wars was really about the journey of Luke Skywalker. And then I saw all 6 parts and realized it's Annakin Skywalker's story. And then I thought about it and I realized it's George Lucas's story. Unfortunately Lucas's and Annakin's story is the same story. Both well intentioned young people, both trying to avoid the evil empire, except in George's case it's the mainstream Hollywood empire. But then they slowly get corrupted. We should have seen it coming in Return of the Jedi with those fucking ewoks. "Fear I see in him," my Yoda brain should have said. "Fear leads to desperation. Desperation leads to bad acting and shitty kids movies." By the time we get to episode three we realize that the man who tried to self finance The Empire Strikes Back had made the complete transformation to the dark side. Blinded by his own stubbornness he writes the worst script of the series. But oddly enough he also writes the line that Obi Wan Kenobi screams at Annakin, the line that I would like to say to him. "You were supposed to be the chosen one." You were supposed to be the one to rebel against the system and make the greatest series of movies ever made. But instead you give us this. In Return of the Jedi, Darth Vader gains his redemption by throwing the emperor over the railing. Unlike Vader I don't believe Lucas will have the same chance. I don't see the goodness still left in him. It is completely gone.



05-21-07
Number 1,000,000,832 thing I didn't know about women is that women need to live alone at some time in their lives. I tried living alone. After a week I was ankle deep in filth, and I was eating nothing but frozen pizza and Steakums. Yet another bit of proof that men, as a species, are on the way out.



05-17-07
"All great art is born from self loathing."-- Adam Carolla



05-07-07
People are constantly in an uproar over drivers who use their cell phones. People say it's distracting. You know what's distracting? Trying to clutch, figure out what gear I'm in, what gear I should be in, and which gear I actually shifted in to. I could have 3 phone conversations going at the same time, one of them in Chinese, and I'd be less distracted than I am when I drive a stick. Ban manual transmissions. It's the real distraction.



03-13-07
We just moved. As you clean out all the unnecessary garbage that you don't want to move to the new house, It's really strange to see, not just the garbage, but all the things that represent unrealized dreams thrown away as well. Even simple dreams seem like failures. The dream that you were going to refinish that old chair, that you were going to learn Italian, the dream of making the great American movie. And they're all piled up in a dumpster to be carried off and thrown in with everyone else's failures. But I'll try to be positive and see that this as a chance to focus on the things that are really important. Realize the fact that I can't do everything. At least I kept my bedazzler and that old pair of jeans. I know that's one project I can finish.



01-16-07
Men and women are still expressing their hunter/gatherer tendencies to this day. When men go shopping it's the hunt. They will enter the belly of the mall beast, hunt down the purchase, and drag it back to his cave. Women will meander around the mall, trying on each fruit and berry. Unsure of what edible item is around each bush.



01-08-07
I watched Pulp Fiction again last night, and I think it's so cool the way that Samuel L. Jackson's character has that passage from the bible memorized. I felt like I should have something memorized. So I picked the first line from Judy Blume's Superfudge. For those of you who also wish to do this, here it is.

"Life was going along okay when my mother and father dropped the news. BAM!"



01-03-07
We watched Tom Hank's movie, Big, again. My observations are :

1. There's a scene where Elizabeth Perkins asks Hanks about where their relationship is going. We're supposed to believe that because he's thirteen he's uncomfortable answering the question and playfully slaps her with his magazine. No, that's pretty much how I'd answer that question at any age.

2. The Hanks character, Josh, is going to be incredibly pissed off when he realizes he gave up the best job ever and a hot chick so he could go back to playing stick ball. I imagine a thirty year old Josh standing next to a Zoltan machine trying to get his sweet life back. If only someone would have told him.



11-27-06
Today on the phone I spoke to four different telephone customer service agents who all thought I was a woman. One called me ma'am no less than a dozen times, heard my name, called me sir once, and then went right back to calling me ma'am. Another, after hearing my name, refused to believe that it was me actually calling. I'm sure they get a lot of fraud on the phone, and she was just trying to be safe, or the painful realization that I sound like a woman.



11-25-06
I sat down to watch that new piece of crap James Bond movie. 20 minutes into the movie a guy sits next to me in the theater who proceeds to eat two bags of the nosiest chips ever. I only say this to reinforce my point. I am an idiot magnate.



11-22-06
I realized that to be considered a genius you don't have to create anything, you just need to have the basic idea for the thing. Then when someone who's actually smart invents it they'll point to you and say, "Wow what a visionary, he had that concept years before it was invented." So here's my invention. It's a way for people to get on and off a train without the train stopping. People go to the station. They get in their pod which lies under the tracks. The train comes by and scoops up the pod. And then the train shits the pod out whenever you want to get off. It's genius.




11-10-06
I realized the other day that I'm that guy. That guy that you see walking toward you and you instantly take that sharp left to avoid them. I'm not always that guy, and I'm always surprised when I am, but for a few people I am that guy. Fuck you people. I am not.



11-01-06
I was thinking last night about how I'd like to have sex with a whale in its blow hole. And then I realized that my penis points the wrong way to do that easily, and I'm no good at standing on my head. And then I realized how messed up it is that whales live in the water and yet they hafta breathe air. How messed up would that be if we walked around holding our breath all day only to stick our head in a pool of water just to take a breath. Yeah, that'd be totally messed up.



10-25-06
I have no tolerance for people who have tiny comfort zones. People who fan themselves when it's 74 degrees, or plug their ears when the train rolls by. I guess I am one of them, it's just that my comfort zone involves people who aren't sissies.



10-20-06
I'm not sure what it is that draws women with big fake tits to Vegas. I guess girls who love to party can get guys to buy them drinks if they have big tits. And if you love to drink, there's no better place to drink that Vegas. The weird part is, it's not just the drunken party girls with big fake tits, it's everyone. Moms, drugstore workers, old fat outa shape women have big fake tits in Vegas.



09-04-06
Bad news everyone. Leonardo Da Vinci was not a genius. Yeah sure he added some innovation to the art world, and he's certainly a better painter than I am, but he's not a genius. He's just a guy with A.D.D., a lot of free time on his hands, and a guy that invented a lot of stuff that didn't work. Take for instance the great Da Vinci tank.



Da Vinci's idea was, make a thing with guns all around it and then you can shoot anyone from any side. Hey genius, how 'bout you put one gun on a turret and then you can shoot anyone from any side. Da Vinci, smart enough to invent the tank, too stupid to invent the turret. Not a genius.



09-03-06
If there was any doubt that lawyers have ruined America, look no further than any other country's game shows. I really enjoyed France's Intervilles. The best part is when contestants stand on blocks and whoever doesn't get gored by the bull wins. Check it out at The Official Channel 3 web site. And no, I'm not kidding.



09-02-06
I just got back from France, and even if you're just a perv who doesn't care about art, you gotta go. I just read this book that said French broads are are super loose, and just from appearances he might be right. The women over there are just way more naked than our up-tight American broads. Take for instance this woman :



Here she is, riding the Metro in the middle of the day, reading her book, wearing nothing but a loose knit weave shirt, and a bra. And the shirt mind you is only being held together by just those two little strings that happen to be draped between her exposed breasts. And she's not the only one like this either. I think the men over there might be some sort of advanced species as well, because the other men on the metro with us weren't harassing her or gawking at her like the American men would be.
(Sorry for the crappy picture quality, but I was trying to be discreet.)



08-08-06
I often think about what celebrity's career I'd like to have. My choices are not based on their fame, but because of the kind of work that they do. I think for acting I'd choose Tom Hanks, music would be Billy Joel, and for web based antics I'd pick ZeFrank.



07-24-06
In business you're either pro-active or re-active. In other words, you're either sucking dick or getting fucked in the ass. Now the smart employee will suck some dick. Because the dick sucking is usually short and the dick's not too big. Nothing you're gonna choke on. But when you get fucked in the ass, it's a long slow painful process. They'll bring in a stunt cock just to rip up your ass, that much more. In fact they'll wrap that dick in sand paper to grind up your ass so you'll shit blood for a month. And once the ass fucking starts you'll wonder if it's ever gonna end.

So kids, the moral of the story is, suck some dick before you get fucked in the ass.



07-10-06
I'm always disappointed when nut jobs get air time. People like, Leno, Lauer, Carolla, are only buying into Ann Coulter's plan to say outrageous stuff so she can sell more books. I doubt she even believes half the stuff she says.

Let's all do each other a favor and ignore these people and maybe they'll go away, rather than perpetuating their nonsense by giving them a pulpit.



06-29-06
I went to a strip club for a bachelor party. I guess in between dancers the DJ gets to play whatever he wants. He chose death metal. Nothing can kill a boner faster than angry white guys yelling at you about how they need to kill something.



06-24-06
I was watching "Charles in Charge," again, and there was the greatest, not-meant-to-be-funny line.
"After you're gorgeous you won't need an imagination like that any more."
I swear to you, no laugh track or anything for that line.



06-12-06
I've been thinking about TV sitcom theme songs that are just depressing. The show is supposed to be lighthearted and fun, but the theme song just fills you with dread even before the opening credits are done. For instance :

Billy Joel's "My Life" was used as the theme song for Busom Buddies.
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone


Then there's Welcome Back Kotter.
Welcome back,
Your dreams were your ticket out.


The lyrics aren't that depressing, but the song is so down, with these visuals of slums. Not the best warmn up for a laugh fest.

But then there's Hogan's Heroes. No lyrics, but the most up beat song about Nazi prison camps you've ever heard.



06-05-06
I saw two guys making out with each other on the street the other day. They looked like clones of each other. I thought, man that is taking homosexual to a whole new level. Not only do you not want to date outside your gender, you don't really even want to date outside yourself. I would suck my own dick if I could, but that's purely out of convenience. Not because I think I'm hot.



05-18-06
An open letter to all Porn Producer/Directors
All we want in a good porno is to watch hot people having hot sex. I'm not bored of that yet. I don't need crazy shit in my porn. I don't need to see the woman spit the doggie cum into the horses face. I don't need to see a woman's anus cracked open with a rib spreader so twelve midgets can dance the hula in her behind while jerking each other off. I don't need to see 5 guys cum into an easy bake oven while a woman, strung up by her hair plows down cum cakes farting out the Hallelujah Chorus. Just stop it already.



05-11-06
I had this crazy dream last night that I was trying to do stand up comedy for the military, but I had no routine. So I woke up thinking this was funny.
I hope in the near future hardcore porn is a part of prime time programming.
"Tonight on a very special Full House 2012...The whole house learns a lesson while Mary Kate and Ashley get a load blown on their chest."
"Holy crap...Hey how do I set the TiVo?"
"Just think it. The TiVo records your thoughts."
"In that case I'm gonna TiVo your sister fucking a bear."



04-24-06
14 year old girls love Unicorns and Rainbows. So, for my next million dollar idea, I present.
The Unirainicorn



02-09-06
The Lone Ranger wasn't lone at all.
Being Tonto must really kill your self esteem. Just because he's a heathen doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings too ya know! Insensitive masked prick.



01-21-06
Those snobs over at StuffOnMyCat.com rejected my cats picture. So I'm posting it here.





01-08-06
I watched, "Joe Versus the Volcano," again. Man I love that movie.



12-29-05
Here's another Christmas song that always gets me worked up. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It shows that Santa's reindeer are a bunch of dick heads. They torture Rudolph just because he's a freak, but when Santa makes him head deer, then they all change their tune and say how much they like him. Isn't this everything that's wrong with society encapsulated into one "happy" Christmas tune? Shouldn't the song be how Rudolph was a hard worker and he got ahead by applying himself. No. Because of crazy genetics none of that hard work means a damn thing and it's all about how you look in this crazy superficial society. Damn that song.



12-25-05
It's the holidays and I've been over-analyzing Christmas carols.
For Instance let's look at, "Winter Wonderland."

"In the meadow we can build a snowman.
You can say his name is Parson Brown.
He'll say are you married, we'll say 'no man,'
but you can do the job while you're in town."

Jesus Christ woman. Can't you lay off the "Will you marry me," power play for one goddamn second. It's fucking Christmas, give it a rest for 1 day. You don't need to anthropomorphize a snow man and make him do your high pressure marriage sales pitch too.



12-07-05
Why do people say, "Have a good one?" Have a good one what? What one am I having that should be good? Have a good day? Then why not say that? You're not saving any time between one and day. Is it just supposed to be open ended so everything I do will be good? I think this is one of my many hang-ups. I love specificity.



12-02-05
We tried the Jones Soda Holiday sampler today. Reviews ran from, "I think that's the most disgusting thing I've ever put in my face," to "I think you could make a man throw up with the Salmon."



11-14-05
I've realized that us men are totally obsolete. It usta be that men would go hunt and bring back food, and that was really all we did. We didn't farm, we didn't raise the kids. And now we spend every day in an office wishing to get some kind of testosterone rush of the hunt. We go home to women who hate us because we're messy. Women are just 2 drinks away from being lesbians, and are pretty cool with that. Once they find a way to clone people there will be no reason for men at all.



11-04-05
My favorite new thing to say is :
"I heard today that George Takei has said he's gay."
(Keep in mind that Takei is pronounced like OK.)



09-29-05
A guy at work can't smell. So we had a big pow-wow between the smellers and the non-smeller on the subject of farts. For the rest of you that can't smell, this is what we figured out :
  1. Unlike cigarette smoke, farts won't stick to you. You cannot walk through a fart and have it cling to you.
  2. The distance you need to walk to prevent someone linking you to a lingering fart is 20 feet.
  3. Other than a pre-shit fart there is no way of knowing if a fart will smell bad before it starts. You just gotta take your chances.


09-15-05
A guy at work swears that what you eat influences your dreams. Basically the more mellow the animal you ate the more mellow the dream. "Cows produce very social dreams. But chickens will give you the craziest ones."



08-21-05
I want to call my autobiography "Easing Into the Inevitable."



08-15-05
I swear I'm an idiot magnet. We went to see Night Ranger at the county fair last night, and these glory days idiots stand up to rock out in front of us. I'm sorry, we're in the old people section, no one else is standing up, now sit your ass down before I knee cap you. And by the way Night Ranger, could you play some of the hits up front. I know your fragile egos couldn't handle it if we all split after the first 15 minutes, but I need a peppering of hits up front. Don't blow your wad or anything, but a little "Don't Tell Me You Love Me," in the first half hour is not too much to ask.



08-10-05
Ever since MP3.com went down most of the music section of this site has been a mess. Fortunately I've had some time at lunch to chase down some of the more recent acts and find their music to listen to on other sites. Enjoy.



08-03-05
Nothing funny happened today.



07-21-05
I wish I was a prophet, because I'm always at a loss.



07-17-05
The power a pretty girl has is so much less when you're not trying to fuck her.



06-23-05
Pregnant chicks are not hot. So let's stop all the nonsense about the glow of motherhood. They feel terrible, the body is being stretched 10 different ways, there's nothing attractive about it. But the dad still wants to do you. Don't think for a second that he thinks you're that unattractive.



06-22-05
Giving up is frequently misconstrued as confidence. If I don't give a shit because I know I'm not gonna get it, it often looks like I'm so sure I'm gonna get it I don't even hafta worry about it. Which is nice to know I don't hafta fake confidence anymore. I can just not care.



06-21-05
Hot girls are bitches because they hafta be. If they're not, every moron they're nice to will ask them out. I've seen it happen. It's not pretty.



06-14-05
When I am king I'll make it illegal to invite anyone to a wedding who isn't family. Cuz, I don't want to be there, and you don't want to pay to feed me. So let's just stop being so afraid about offending everyone and save us all a lot of time.



05-20-05
I notice that a lot of dudes, when they see a woman that's kinda hot, they say, "Yeah, but nothin' to write home about."
But nobody says, when they see a hot chick, "I'm writin' home about her!"
And nobody says, "Dear mommy and daddy, I saw the hottest chick today at the mall. She had these huge titties. I bet they're fake. Oh damn I would fuck her so hard. I would make her scream like mommy. And dad I found out we both like to fuck women in the ass while we tell them they'll never find anyone better."
Yeah, nobody ever says that.



05-18-05
Wouldn't it be ironic if, rather than cryptonite, the only thing that killed Superman was a limply thrown spent handgun?



05-09-05
I am constantly baffled by how much I hate Harry Shearer's radio show, Le Show. I want to like it, but it's just so lame. Can't he come up with a solid hour of commentary once a week without playing music? [Edited] You can now get the pod cast of Le Show, with all the music edited out. Find it in the iTunes podcast directory.



05-06-05
A hooker's ass is just like a piece of fruit. When its ripe and firm you can sell it for a really great price. People will come by and squeeze it and smell it to test how fresh it is. But as it gets mushier and bruised you just can't get top dollar for it anymore. Oh sure, people will still buy it. Sad desperate people. And then, right before you have to throw it out, you try to save it at the last minute and make banana bread out of it. Yep, fruit is just like a hooker's ass.



04-25-05
Now that there's a new pope I've heard some late night comics making one particularly obscure joke that I felt needed explaining. The joke goes like this:
"We've got this new pope. The guy's name is Ratzinger. We've now got a pope that usta sit at the end of the bar on Cheers. What's next, Pope Norm?"
Not only is this not funny, it's confusing.
Cliff sat at the end of the bar on the show Cheers. The actor who played Cliff is John Ratzenberger. Ratzinger sounds like Ratzenberger. Therefore the new pope is Cliff the mailman from Cheers.
I'm glad we got this cleared up.



04-24-05
No one looks good sitting down.


04-20-05
When people ask me what the worst show in history is, I say Webster. In that show's FOUR year run, everything about it sucked. It even sucked just looking at the description of the show. At least Facts of Life looked good on paper. A bunch Catholic high school girls wearing those super hot dirty skirts. You see them up in their room getting their lesbian freak on. No wonder they green lit that show. That's hot.



04-07-05
I've discovered that I look less bad with certain lighting. I'm thinking of wearing a giant umbrella 5ft above my head with a battery powered spotlight to recreate this lighting at all times. I'm sure it'll be worth it.



04-06-05
We noticed that every sci-fi vision of the future, have the people wearing unitards and jump suits. I could not imagine a more ridiculous uncomfortable future than that. It's my prediction that in 2350 we'll still be wearing pants and shirts.



04-05-05
After lots of goofing around I finally got the tests section up. Check it out.



03-18-05
We all have standard physical objects that we've all agreed upon can be used to convey measurement. (e.g. I have a tumor the size of a golf ball. Her nipples were silver dollars.) But I was at lunch and a co-worker said, "She had hands the size of toilet seats." Seriously? Cuz I'm not going for that. I am not agreeing on the toilet seat as a standard unit of flat object measurement. But he's German, what do you expect.



02-07-05
The one good thing that comes out of the Janet Jackson incident is that Paul McCartney played at the Super Bowl. Just for the music alone it was one of the best half time shows in years. Even if he did lip sync. Hopefully gone are the days of some lame Britney Spears pop crap show that they were doing. I'm hoping next year for the remaining members of Led Zeppelin playing.



02-03-05
For the most part, I find personal appearance exhausting. That's why I've never given it much attention.



02-01-05
I took the Scientologists stress test today. I had this whole vision in my head about chatting with the scientologists and asking them what it does for them, blah. But once the woman said, "Scientology makes you more successful, and we want you to be successful," my whole idea was ruined. Cuz here she is, some nice enough lady trying to sell stupid books on a street corner and I thought, "You're not successful, this isn't success. This is a waste of time and a waste of your life." It just made it too hard to goof on her.



01-25-05
My life has been a constant battle between me and my nose. I'm not saying my nose is trying to kill me, but I think it just wants to stay the center of my attention. I think it's arch enemy would be my penis.
Since my battery of allergy shots staved off my nose's attacks of my youth, my nose has found a new way to get my attention. I am now battling the never ending fight of nose hairs. It's not as crippling as the allergies, but it is something that makes me check my nose daily. And really, isn't that all it wants.



01-24-05
The Scientologist's have set up a table on the corner where I work. This woman is yelling at people to come and take their stress test. I'm thinking, "Lady, clearly you're all stressed out that not enough people are taking your stress test, maybe you should do some work at the clay table or something. You're a mess." Chris thinks the stress test has as much effect as a potatoe clock. I'm gonna take it and I'll let you know how it goes.



01-20-05
I've been getting a lot of emails lately asking me, "Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with a huge cumshot?" And the answer is no. In fact I've never heard of anyone being terribly implressed by getting a ton of sticky man goo shot at them. Who wants that?



01-10-05
I've been thinking a lot about genetics lately, and I was thinking about artificial limitations. People who are really smart go insane. There's a chemical in our bodies to limit muscle growth. We die early. It makes me think that we're in Blade Runner, but we're the robots. But Chris had a good point. Maybe this is all a great test. The limits are all on individual achievement, but nothing stops us from working together. Maybe that's what we're supposed to do.



01-08-05
I'm about to say something painfully 12 years old, but it's just a little more thought out.
There is no such thing as free will.
We are all genetically predisposed to be able to do a certain kind of job. Physically I could never be an athlete. But I also believe our personalities are genetic as well. Even if you could physically do it, if the personality isn't a fit to the job, you'll either hate it, or get fired from it because you suck at it.
And I'm really OK with that. Because I've figured out where I'm supposed to be, and what I can do.



01-05-05
I just got back from Disney World. I think it's interesting seeing the soccer moms with the big fake tits. It's this great juxtaposition between youth and someone desperately trying to hold on to it.
And I like big tits.



01-04-05
You know Stan, I learned something this year. I learned that there is no great thing to do on New Year's Eve. If you're with good people, that's what matters. Cuz it'll either be fun or suck no matter where you are.



01-02-05
I watched the VH1 show about the plotted come back of Mötley Crüe's front man. The show's called, Remaking Vince Neil, and I had no idea they were remaking him to be gay. The new hair, the plastic surgery, the new power ballad about how he loves his friends. There's nothing wrong with getting in shape, but don't hand your nut sack over to the trainer before you start.



01-01-05
Twice last year I stopped myself from doing kid things. I don't have kids, so there's really no excuse to do them, and I just didn't want to look like the weird old guy riding the water slide. This really is an indicator that I'm getting old.



12-28-04
I watched the movie Monster over the weekend. I don't think I'll be able to whack it to Charlize ever again.



12-25-04
Happy Festivus.



12-22-04
My favorite food of all time is hot dogs in cresent rolls. Slice the hot dog down the middle and stuff in a thin slice of chedar cheese. Wrap the hot dog in the cresent roll dough that you buy in the tube. Bake according to the instructions on the tube wrapper. Sooooooo good.



12-21-04
But now that they're reading my blog, I wonder if that will diminish my discussion of Anal Clown Rape.
I doubt it.



12-18-04
I found out tonight that my family and friends read my blog. I guess in a way that's good, because I always meant it to be a way to communicate to them all the things I couldn't tell them face to face. It's so much easier and safer to tell them these things behind the anonymous wall of the blog. I guess that's why most of us do it.



12-15-04
I just realized that my blog is just like that crappy USA today column that Larry King usta write. He'd say stuff like, "Tom Hanks should be in the nice guy hall of fame." It bother me a little bit but not enough to stop doing it.



12-14-04
Am I the last person on earth that drives like a normal person. Am I the last one that understands you don't need to drive a car up someone's ass just to get from A to B? Everyone, just relax. It's not a race. We don't need to die all at once just because the world moves to slowly for you.



12-8-04
I think If I could suck my own dick, eventually I'd get tired of it.



12-3-04
I'm gonna start listing all the things I'm afraid of, or that make me anxious. I think that'll fill this up for the rest of my life. For instance: I gave a CD of some of my favorite songs to a co-worker to listen to. I forgot I put UNCLE FUCKER as one of the songs. I'm now hurrying to delete it before someone cruises her shared music folder and finds it.



12-2-04
I'm so glad we have a name for acid reflux. Because, in the long long ago times, I'd have to say, "Ugh, OH MY GOD. You know how you throw up a little but it just runs up the back of your throat and then it goes back down." But now I just say, "Ich, acid reflux."



12-01-04
I feel like I'm constantly going to have a heart attack. I have too many hobbies and all the minutes I spend not working on them makes me think my heart will sieze. I have a lot of acid reflux.



11-30-04
I'm thrilled that "Land of the Lost" is out on DVD. I'm going to regress into my childhood and dig into my big bowl of sugar cereal.



11-28-04
I'm impressed with myself that I've updated this on a fairly regular basis. I really thought I'd do it a couple of times and then forget about it.



11-26-04
The only thing more powerful than low self esteem, is blind ambition.



11-21-04
I think R2-D2 was a lot smarter than all the other R2 units because he was made by Anakin. Unfortunately he didn't have an extra voice module to stick in him. That's why he doesn't talk.



11-20-04
I've realized that I've spent my whole life trying to convince myself that there was more to me than there is.



11-18-04
I hope in our next evolutionary jump we can somehow get rid of shitting. It's just the mess I can do without. Lizards pee crystals. Why can't I just shit a brick. We need to evolve already.



11-17-04
I am disappointed by my mediocrity. I always dreamed that I would be great at something someday.



11-16-04
I wish I could be one of those guys that tucks in his shirt. Because none of my jackets are long enough and my shirt hangs out the bottom and I think it looks stupid. But that means I'd have to be one of those guys that buttons his pants. And I'm not doing that.



11-13-04
I went to the optometrist today. I guess my old one quit cuz now I have this new one. That sucks because she was the only optometrist I ever had that would give me an eye exam with a happy ending. Working in the mall doesn't pay much, even for an optometrist, so I guess she had to pay off her student loans in tips. Anyway, she'd be saying better...worse and I couldn't tell if she was talking about my vision or the hand job. I got some pretty screwed up prescriptions, but always left with a smile on my face. No one could jiggle her tits like that.



11-01-04
I'm having trouble with my sewer pipe, so I had a plumber come out and take a video of the line. I'm hoping for a good video, a real blockbuster. It seems to be tracking well, but the reviews are mixed. Isn't It Cool News.com says, the video is "...dark and mysterious," but Roger Ebert said, "The only thing cornier than this flick was the poop I saw floating past the camera." Which is strange because I don't eat corn. Maybe it was a peanut. What does he know anyway. He recommended Anaconda.