So you've decided
to be a lesbian. This isn't going to be a picnic. Sure you're leaving
behind the days of socks on the floor, hand in the pants, berky world
of men, but stepping into a world of all your own worst faults. Guys'
weaknesses are also their strength. Men are simple critters. They
say what they mean, and they don't expect much. Women require a lot
more maintenance, and your new partner will expect all that attention
that you were expecting from her.
So Let's examine the pros and cons of becoming a new lesbian. Rose,
a new lesbian herself, will take the pro side, while I'll make the
case for why you should still date men.
| Rose|| Alan|
| Women Understand PMS. PMS sucks both for the
woman who has it and everyone around her. And the last thing
you can tell a woman when she is moody, eating chocolate, broken
out, bloated, and crying - all the day before her period - is
that she must be suffering from PMS. It just upsets her that
you don't think her feelings are valid, even though tomorrow
she'll be laughing with you about it. Men, however, never seem
to learn that you can't tell a woman she's PMS-ing. Month after
month after month, they end up with an angry woman consoling
herself in ice cream. Other women get PMS, so when you're dating
one, she knows that it comes as a surprise every month, and
that often, like alcohol, it simply heightens emotions. She
knows it will pass if left alone, which she does.
|| If you think one person with a period sucks, try two. Here's
the best part. If you live together you'll get your periods
and there will be strings attached. Living with a woman
on the rag is one thing, but dating her is all different. Men
are helpful because they'll get stuff for you on your period.
So you're saying, "So what, it's only once a month."
It's once a month for a week! And that week is a fragile time.
"Maybe it won't be that bad." Yeah, right! And maybe
getting kicked in the nuts won't hurt that bad either. But you
wouldn't know about that.
| I've dated guys before. I know that it's fun
to "accidentally" wear his sweatshirt home as it smells like
him and you can wear it when you watch movies or go to the park.
However, you're pretty much limited to that one sweatshirt.
Maybe a flannel if you're lucky. But when you date another girl,
your wardrobe doubles. If you date a woman with the same shoe
size, morning outfitting sessions become infinitely more pleasing.
So, you're not limited to the sweatshirt in order to feel like
you have a reminder of your love interest all day. You can wear
any variety of wardrobe choices anywhere you want and spend
the day smelling and thinking of her.
||You broads all think it's fun to trade clothes "in theory,"
but in reality all we do is hear about how what's her name
stretched out the neckline and spilled Weight Watchers chocolate
all down the front. If you're a lesbian, don't share clothes.
This will just be another thing you broads can fight
And believe me you don't need another thing.
|I know there are women out there who
like football. Hurrah for you. However, the majority of us
have better things to do, like anything. Football is a game.
time-consuming, steroid-filled, game. It upholds beer, exploitation,
hurting one another, and chasing after a ball for no real
other than to score points, which do nothing other than add
up. Men seem incapable, at times, of talking about anything
but football. They even play fantasy football, which none of
them seem to realize is so far beyond reality, it puts fairy
tales to shame. When women go to parties, we talk about legitimate
happenings and people. Granted, we might be gossiping about
Susan's affair or how Joey got fired, but they're still REAL
||Hey, if we didn't have football, we'd want to have sex all
the time. You need us to like sports so you can hang out with
your girlfriends and talk smack about us. And there's another
fun thing. Once you become a lesbian, forget about ever having
'single' girls night out. A chance to get away from your
mates. Cuz now your lover will want to go with you, because
"Hey she's a girl too." And if that doesn't piss you off, it'll
certainly irritate your single girl friends. Even though they
won't say anything.
|This is a lot like the PMS. Women get
that when you're crying, it's generally just because you're
very frustrated. They don't accuse you of emotional blackmail.
||Oh right, like you've never cried to get your own way. Just
remember that once you get into a relationship with a woman
they'll know this all powerful trump card, and they won't fall
for it. Remember, guys will do anything to make you stop crying.
Guys will buy you a pony to get you to stop crying.
|Men often do well buying presents, but
generally you have to hit them over the head with a little blue
box in order for them to pick out the right thing, and even
then, they come home with heart-shaped jewelry. (As an aside
- who is wearing all of this heart-shaped jewelry? If it's you,
take it off.) When asked what I wanted for my birthday one year,
I told my boyfriend that I wanted something beautiful, romantic
and girly. He could have purchased: tasteful earrings, lingerie,
a dress, etc. I got: a black raincoat from REI. Right. And I'm
not saying that girls always know what to get guys - they don't.
But when it comes to presents for women, women get it. In the
first month I was dating my girlfriend, she surprised me with
a silver ring from Tiffany's. Come on - it doesn't get better
||Guys just need to remember that good presents are linked directly to sex.
If they give a blender they'll get nothing. Even a bouquet of
flowers is enough to pry her legs apart a little bit.
|Comic Book Collections, Legos, Star Wars Figurines,
and Alcoholic Paraphernalia as Decoration. What IS that shit,
guys? Throw it out. If you want to get laid, don't line up your
Yodas and Han Solos in their original packaging.
||What do you care?!? As soon as we move in together you manage
to pack up anything that's fun and doesn't fit in with your
Martha Stewart, Better Homes and Gardens life style and shove
it in a box and cram it under the stairs.
|The Sex. It's better. I'm not going to go into
details, but trust me. It's better. Guys - it shouldn't be too
hard to figure out as there are a million pornos outlining the
process for you. Girls - imagine that someone finally understands
every one of your sexual needs. Yes. It's that good.
||Oh Yeah!?! ...Well...we've
uh ...yeah..uh...and we
damn we are so screwed.