Artist: Lord Carrett
Section: Interview
Importance: A funny standup that isn't as famous as he should be.

Now I know most of you are wondering, "Why the hell should I care about this guy?" Lord Carrett is a funny guy that still works the road, lost his wife, and traded in his simple sweaters for an outfit that could never get me laid. For those of you who are aspiring comics and entertainers, here's a little insight to life as a standup.
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First, I know that you're sick of this, and this is what has probably made you so bitter over the years, but did you bitch slap your parents for naming you something that sounds like vegetable royalty?
Actually, my name only sounds like something that's "orange and lives in a castle," if you go with the common mispronunciation, Lord "CARROT." In truth, it rhymes with "cassette." If it was "Lord Carrot" I would have changed ONE of them... and I'm not bitter, I'm a realist.

At what age did you realize that your name would be a minus AND a plus?
I discovered that the name could work FOR me after I became sexually active and realized that if a woman should accidentally call out MY name while making love to her boyfriend or husband, I wouldn't be implicated and we'd BOTH walk away scot-free.

When you were married, and on the road, how did you keep your marriage together?
It's not easy to keep a marriage together from the road. I'd call my wife every night after my show so we could share all the day-to-day things that being married is all about. "What? It turns out that Cindy's new boyfriend is married? The CAD!" In return for my feigned concern in these matters, when I'd wake her coming in from a gig at 4 a.m., she'd unfailingly manage to open one eye and ask; "How'd it go?" with some level of sincerity.

Staying faithful on the road was never a problem for me. It's easy, if you know my secret. When I first got married, I ALWAYS made sure that I was carrying a picture of my wife with me. Whenever I was the LEAST bit tempted, I'd take out that picture and look at it, and the feeling would go away! But after a few years, to tell you the truth, the picture wasn't working QUITE as well as it used to... So, what I did is, I took a picture of ALL MY STUFF... and I tore it in half! After that, I carried HALF a picture.

Now that you're divorced are you scoring huge amounts of comedy club poon tang?

Comedy club 'tang IS available, but I'm more likely to "go for the assist" than to actually "take a shot" myself.

What kind of woman screws a guy she meets at a comedy club?
One with incredibly low self-esteem, and God bless them! Only someone who's emotionally damaged would want to do stand-up, and only someone equally as damaged would want to DO a standup

Do you have any good/strange/gross stories that highlight this kind of experience?
Sure! One night, I was in bed with a woman who wanted me to CHOKE HER during sex. I said; "Okay by ME... That's usually how I get THIS far!" She was put off by it, despite the fact she'd seen my show hours before. You quickly learn that a CONGRESSIONAL level of denial is at work for a woman to be able to even CONSIDER sleeping with a comic.

Before you were DIVORCED you were somewhat normal looking. Now you're some sort of Buddy Holly/Brian Setzer/Jay Leno love child. What the hell happened?
Jay Leno? That hurts! I have a STRONG JAW, but you could hardly use it to recharge a green magic ring...

Setzer was part of the inspiration for the pompadour. The Stray Cats gave me a definition for "rockabilly" and I realized it's been my passion since I got my first hand-me-down 45: Roy Orbison's PRETTY WOMAN. Before long I'd gone from a more traditional rock and roll look to pointy shoes and a pompadour.

The key to getting a good pompadour is finding a barber that's been standing in the same spot for the fifty years since the hairstyle was popular. If he's still grousing about all the money THE BEATLES cost him, that's your guy! The drawback is that those guys are usually starting to get a little senile, so forget about getting it the way YOU want it, and kiss that mole on the back of your neck good-bye once ol' shaky starts shaving your scruff.

Are you bitter that you don't have your own TV show yet?

I DON'T?... Are you sure?... I must have DREAMED it! Jeeves! GET ME MY EMMY! JEEVES...?

What's the worst experience you ever had on stage?

Like many of these stories, mine takes place in DOTHAN ALABAMA.

I had actually forgotten about it until Vic Henley, the other act that night, told me years later that it was one of the funniest things he'd ever seen on-stage.

I was arguably the first comic to dress like a rock star. I had leather chaps, zebra pants, a Misfits T-shirt, a leather fringed jacket, a colorful denim "biker" vest, the WORKS! Keep in mind, this was the early eighties, the dawn of hair bands, and to look like Bon Jovi was COOL! But, since it was unusual back then, some audiences were slow to embrace it.

I was playing a one-nighter in a hotel bar in Alabama and the DJ stacked the deck against me from the word go. Forget about an UPBEAT song to open the show, this idiot plays Harry Chapin's TAXI right before he introduces me... A seven minute song of LOVE LOST and then, JOKES!!!

Every hillbilly in the place is "thinkin' on the one what got away" when the DJ brings me on. Through their tears of regret, every audience member that was paying any attention at all hated me on sight.

In those days, my attitude was that if the audience was gonna hate me, I was gonna make sure they REALLY hated me. So, fifteen minutes into it, I told them "I wasn't gonna MENTION this... but BEAR BRYANT blew my dad..." IN ALABAMA!

Vic literally fell off his barstool.

I actually did better after that, finally having everyone's undivided attention, and I was walked to my room by hotel security after the show to boot! I felt very special.

How do you keep going, trying to fulfill your dream of... whatever your dream is. I tried standup and after 3 months I gave up. How do you keep going?
Once YOU left, it got easier.

What is it about doing standup that appeals to you?

I love writing and telling jokes, and my appearances on THE BOB AND TOM RADIO NETWORK have given me a fan base in the 100+ markets they're syndicated in. It's a thrill when people come in wanting to hear SPECIFIC bits and then elbow their friends when you start to go into them!

Where is the best strip club in the country?
I haven't been to EVERY strip club in the country, but the best one I'VE ever been to is here in LA. Todd Leatherbury of THE COMEDY TWINS took me. Call him for details. He's got more juice in the joint than Charlie Sheen AND a built-in out. "That wasn't ME, that was MY BROTHER!"

Ready for the lightning round?
Favorite food? Mashed Potatoes.
Favorite Position? HER knees over MY shoulders, with my wallet hidden where she'll never think of looking for it.
Favorite sound? "MORE!"
Favorite movie? Cool Hand Luke, and it's at least partly responsible for my realism.
Real or Fake? Real. Do you sense a theme here?
Boxers or Briefs? Briefs
Dinette set or trip to Europe? I'll get my bags.
Ability to fly or become invisible? I'm over HERE!