Now I know most of you are wondering, "Why
the hell should I care about this guy?" Lord Carrett is a funny
guy that still works the road, lost his wife, and traded in his
simple sweaters for an outfit that could never get me laid. For
those of you who are aspiring comics and entertainers, here's a
little insight to life as a standup.
First, I know that you're sick of this, and
this is what has probably made you so bitter over the years, but
did you bitch slap your parents for naming you something that sounds
like vegetable royalty?
Actually, my name only sounds like something that's "orange and
lives in a castle," if you go with the common mispronunciation,
Lord "CARROT." In truth, it rhymes with "cassette." If it was "Lord
Carrot" I would have changed ONE of them... and I'm not bitter,
I'm a realist.
At what age did you realize that your name
would be a minus AND a plus?
I discovered that the name could work FOR me after I became sexually
active and realized that if a woman should accidentally call out
MY name while making love to her boyfriend or husband, I wouldn't
be implicated and we'd BOTH walk away scot-free.
When you were married, and on the road, how
did you keep your marriage together?
It's not easy to keep a marriage together from the road. I'd call
my wife every night after my show so we could share all the day-to-day
things that being married is all about. "What? It turns out that
Cindy's new boyfriend is married? The CAD!" In return for my feigned
concern in these matters, when I'd wake her coming in from a gig
at 4 a.m., she'd unfailingly manage to open one eye and ask; "How'd
it go?" with some level of sincerity.
Staying faithful on the road was never a problem for me. It's easy,
if you know my secret. When I first got married, I ALWAYS made sure
that I was carrying a picture of my wife with me. Whenever I was
the LEAST bit tempted, I'd take out that picture and look at it,
and the feeling would go away! But after a few years, to tell you
the truth, the picture wasn't working QUITE as well as it used to...
So, what I did is, I took a picture of ALL MY STUFF... and I tore
it in half! After that, I carried HALF a picture.
Now that you're divorced are you scoring huge amounts of comedy
club poon tang?
Comedy club 'tang IS available, but I'm more likely to "go for the
assist" than to actually "take a shot" myself.
What kind of woman screws a guy she meets
at a comedy club?
One with incredibly low self-esteem, and God bless them! Only someone
who's emotionally damaged would want to do stand-up, and only someone
equally as damaged would want to DO a standup
Do you have any good/strange/gross stories
that highlight this kind of experience?
Sure! One night, I was in bed with a woman who wanted me to CHOKE
HER during sex. I said; "Okay by ME... That's usually how I get
THIS far!" She was put off by it, despite the fact she'd seen my
show hours before. You quickly learn that a CONGRESSIONAL level
of denial is at work for a woman to be able to even CONSIDER sleeping
with a comic.
Before you were DIVORCED you were somewhat
normal looking. Now you're some sort of Buddy Holly/Brian Setzer/Jay
Leno love child. What the hell happened?
Jay Leno? That hurts! I have a STRONG JAW, but you could hardly
use it to recharge a green magic ring...
Setzer was part of the inspiration for the pompadour. The Stray
Cats gave me a definition for "rockabilly" and I realized it's been
my passion since I got my first hand-me-down 45: Roy Orbison's PRETTY
WOMAN. Before long I'd gone from a more traditional rock and roll
look to pointy shoes and a pompadour.
The key to getting a good pompadour is finding a barber that's been
standing in the same spot for the fifty years since the hairstyle
was popular. If he's still grousing about all the money THE BEATLES
cost him, that's your guy! The drawback is that those guys are usually
starting to get a little senile, so forget about getting it the
way YOU want it, and kiss that mole on the back of your neck good-bye
once ol' shaky starts shaving your scruff.
Are you bitter that you don't have your own TV show yet?
I DON'T?... Are you sure?... I must have DREAMED it! Jeeves! GET
ME MY EMMY! JEEVES...?
What's the worst experience you ever had on stage?
Like many of these stories, mine takes place in DOTHAN ALABAMA.
I had actually forgotten about it until Vic Henley, the other act
that night, told me years later that it was one of the funniest
things he'd ever seen on-stage.
I was arguably the first comic to dress like a rock star. I had
leather chaps, zebra pants, a Misfits T-shirt, a leather fringed
jacket, a colorful denim "biker" vest, the WORKS! Keep in mind,
this was the early eighties, the dawn of hair bands, and to look
like Bon Jovi was COOL! But, since it was unusual back then, some
audiences were slow to embrace it.
I was playing a one-nighter in a hotel bar in Alabama and the DJ
stacked the deck against me from the word go. Forget about an UPBEAT
song to open the show, this idiot plays Harry Chapin's TAXI right
before he introduces me... A seven minute song of LOVE LOST and
Every hillbilly in the place is "thinkin' on the one what got away"
when the DJ brings me on. Through their tears of regret, every audience
member that was paying any attention at all hated me on sight.
In those days, my attitude was that if the audience was gonna hate
me, I was gonna make sure they REALLY hated me. So, fifteen minutes
into it, I told them "I wasn't gonna MENTION this... but BEAR BRYANT
blew my dad..." IN ALABAMA!
Vic literally fell off his barstool.
I actually did better after that, finally having everyone's undivided
attention, and I was walked to my room by hotel security after the
show to boot! I felt very special.
How do you keep going, trying to fulfill your
dream of... whatever your dream is. I tried standup and after 3
months I gave up. How do you keep going?
Once YOU left, it got easier.
What is it about doing standup that appeals to you?
I love writing and telling jokes, and my appearances on THE
BOB AND TOM RADIO NETWORK have given me a fan base in the 100+
markets they're syndicated in. It's a thrill when people come in
wanting to hear SPECIFIC bits and then elbow their friends when
you start to go into them!
Where is the best strip club in the country?
I haven't been to EVERY strip club in the country, but the best
one I'VE ever been to is here in LA. Todd Leatherbury of THE COMEDY
TWINS took me. Call him for details. He's got more juice in the
joint than Charlie Sheen AND a built-in out. "That wasn't ME, that
was MY BROTHER!"
Ready for the lightning round?
Favorite food? Mashed Potatoes.
Favorite Position? HER knees over MY
shoulders, with my wallet hidden where she'll never think of looking
Favorite sound? "MORE!"
Favorite movie? Cool Hand Luke, and
it's at least partly responsible for my realism.
Real or Fake? Real. Do you sense a
Boxers or Briefs? Briefs
Dinette set or trip to Europe? I'll
get my bags.
Ability to fly or become invisible?
I'm over HERE!