Section: Misc → Rant
Importance: Why there aren't any more nice guys.
Nice Guy My Ass by Alan

So here's the biggest lie you'll ever hear. "I just want a nice guy," or "I just want a guy who makes me laugh." LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!

Okay fine, maybe that is what you want. But that isn't "just" what you want. You want the whole package. You want the look, and the attitude, and the smell. Whatever the hell that is. Some girl fed me this nice guy line, so I thought, "Fine I'll be a nice guy. When asked by a third party why she wasn't interested, I was told she said, "He's a nice guy but..." But nothing, ass munch. You said what you wanted and I gave it to you. You don't go into a car dealership and say, "I want a blue car." You say, "I want a blue car that does a whole bunch of other stuff." You have ideas. When somebody asks you what you're looking for, they're asking you "What can I give you that will make you like me," or like this thing, depending on if you're buying a car or looking for a date. If you know you're not going to like me you say, "Antlers, or Webbed toes, or maybe "I DON'T KNOW," WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE TRUTH. You don't know what you want and you're going to date the wrong guy fifteen times before you realize it.

I've realized that way too much in this world is placed on the physical. Most people just don't want to admit that, "Well, it could have worked but he just didn't have the butt I was looking for." No one wants to admit that. No one wants to admit that you want a guy who's six foot tall so you can rest your head on his shoulder and poke you with his ram rod so it comes out your ears. IF that's what you want, then tell me that.

"I want a nice guy." Well duh! You'd have to be some kind of really really evil if you said "I want some dumb ass that never cracks a smile." But I know plenty of women that date them. These are the worst women. The ones who say they want the nice guy, but always find the creapiest low life in the world. He's a jerk. You're not going to be able to fix him. You're not going to change him. GIVE IT UP. There's nothing good, healthy or fun about a guy who treats you like crap. What the hell is wrong with you?

"But he's always nice to me." I've always loved this excuse. So what you're saying is that you would date any freak on death row if he was nice to you.

The problem men have is that they need to realize that all women between sixteen and twenty-two are crazy. They have no clue when it comes to dating. And then women after that age just sit around and belly ache about not being able to find a guy. Well duh! Men are so pissed off they found the first woman that was decent to them and shacked up. While you were dating Johny Nightmare they were getting on with their lives.

Somebody once told me that women mature faster than men. That might be true for the first twelve years, but after that I think women start regressing.

And if I could suck it myself we wouldn’t need you at all!