Section: Misc
Importance: The New Economy


Cash, Credit, or Vagina?


by
Alan
I understand that you want to be an independent woman, but every once and awhile you need some help. Maybe even help from a man. Your friends are undependable, and people who aren't your friends cost money. So pay a guy with the one natural resource that never runs out. Your vagina.

How is paying with my vagina different?
Paying with your vagina is just like paying with anything else. You set up the terms and conditions, and what you're willing to do. In some situations you may not have to use the full vagina to get matters done, a little mouth love may be all it takes. But for those high demands, it may cost you more depending on how creepy the guy is you're renting.

Why you should use sex as payment?
Most of your friends by now probably have good jobs and not enough free time. They don't want to waste their free time on you, and money isn't as important as it usta be. What they probably don't have is a regular stream of sex. Regardless of what you see on Saturday after noon beer commercials, guys will stop drinking long enough to corn hole one of their hot female friends.

Maybe I'll bang a hot guy?
Not likely. This is all about economics, supply and demand. Hot guys get lots of quality snatch, and don't need yours. You're better off giving them drugs they can use on the prom queen so she'll give up the BALLOON KNOT.

What if I'm an ugly pig? Can I also pay with sex?
You can, but it's not as valuable, and you'll have to pay a lot more. Consult the chart to find out how much extra you're gonna hafta pay if you're nasty.

What if I'm a man?
Forget it. You're on your own.

Try this handy chart to find out how much snatch you'll have to give up

The Job you need done What it costs If you're a pig
Painting Your House
Interior - one room This isn't back breaking, so you can get him off easy. A little naked fun, a little boob lick. If he wants to climax he'll hafta finish himself off. Keep your clothes on, you're a pig, but bust out the lube and limber up your hand. You might want to have a spank mag handy to make him think he's gettin' it on with someone hot.
Exterior You're gonna hafta give up a lot for this, because this is a multi day process. You're looking at straight sex at the end of every day. The good news is he should be pretty warn out, so you won't hafta do it for long before he just gives up. Good luck getting anyone to do this. If you're a pig you probably could get someone for a bj, but after one day of that, they'll be done. Once was a novelty, but you can't get a guy to go hogging that much.
Moving
All Day Pizza at the end of the day doesn't cut it anymore. If you want him to show, you're gonna hafta promise some naked time. Maybe no penetration, but a happy ending is a must. Reinforce your towel rack cuz he's going to be bending you over the sink and pounding heavy. Everything's still in boxes, so a quickie in the jon is nasty and convenient.
Heavy Furniture Save your strength and let him do the heavy lifting. Cuz he's gonna want sex, but not want to do any work. Plan on being on top and getting super freaky. You might want to consider installing a sex swing into your new place before you're done. He's gonna feel used and taken advantage of, and that's exactly what he'll want to do to you. He won't be into the sex for pleasure, just good old fashioned humiliation. I think you're looking at a BLUMPKIN, CLEAVELAND STEAMER, or a DONKEY PUNCH. It may hurt a little bit, but so does lifting that couch all by yourself. Deal with it.
if you want to add anything to the table email SayMyNameBitch@ugtv.org