Section: Misc → Lessons
Importance: Helpful tips for men

What Kind of Pervert Are You?


Not in the face, not in the face
by
Alan
Every guy has a first love when it comes to broads, even the gay guys. I'm not talking about the first time you whacked it to Farrah Fawcett's poster, I'm talking about what you love first about a woman. The fetish you're into speaks volumes about who you are. You may want to consider this before divulging this information to your girlfriend or even your guy friends.

So what are you into?

 


Breasts
Saying you like breasts on a woman is like saying the Beatles is your favorite band. Everybody loves breasts and you won't be labeled too big of a perv for liking these. Just remember the proper answer for your girlfriend is, "I'd rather have a nice pair of smaller real one with a good shape, than two giant bowling balls smakin' me in the face." Mmmm breasts in the face. Mmmmmmmmm. Women get pissed when they hear you're a breast man. The reason is, there is nothing short of surgery you can do to make them bigger. You want a bigger ass, stick a head of lettuce in there. Sit on your ass and eat bon bons all day. Great! You got a big ass! Ass man couldn't be happier. But going under the knife is the only way you'll get bigger jugs and it pisses women off.

Asses
The good side of the ass man is he'll go after total pigs. Because the ass man gets so blinded by the big ass he puts the breast man to shame in his love for his fetish. Ass men are dirty untrustworthy mother fuckers. Unless you come from Latin heritage, an ass man is all about dominance and ramming it in uncomfortable places. If you're his buddy, you may want to avoid dropping the soap in the shower. If your ass man friend is near, even though the ass man pretends to be super macho, he may just give you the high hard one just to prove he's king bee. If he could muster up the goods, he'd shit on your face to prove he's more dominant than you.


Legs / Feet
If you're this guy congratulations. You can get your rocks off any time of the day. You can get worked up over a coworker with a short skirt, or just looking at a shoe add.

When do I get breasts in the face at work? It's totally unfair.
I know both groups are gonna be pissed that I lumped them into the same creepy fetish pile, but they're really the same kind of guy. The problem with this bunch is they're all into perfection. The Ass and Tit men just want it big and in their face. The Leg and Feet guys will circle a woman with a laser pointer finding all the odd toe nails and improperly carved thighs. They're more like poultry inspectors than men looking for snatch. Either way these dudes are freaky.


Eyes
If you're this guy, most women aren't on to your game yet. But you've got to use this line while they're young, because once they've heard the "I like eyes cuz they're the windows of the soul," speech from the guy who turned out to be...
  1. The Saddle Wearer
  2. The "Dress Like My Mommy" Guy
  3. The "Right before I cum, choke me" Guy
They'll be on to you, and won't stick around for the other high heeled Donald Duck pump to drop.
This is the sickest fuck yet. Cuz he really isn't into eyes, he's really into anuses or clavicles or something that is so sick even he knows it's totally wrong and he just can't bear to tell you. He tells his dates eyes because that makes him sound sweet and sincere. This is the kind of guy who caries his own speculum and sigmoidascope on dates.