Artist: Bucky Sinister
Section: Interview
Importance: This poem isn't in the book, but the book is still worth it.
The Plug: Buy his book King of the Roadkills.
MY GIRLFRIEND IS WAY COOLER THAN WAYNE GRETZKY'S HELMET
by Bucky Sinister

My girlfriend is allergic to peanuts.
If I eat a Snickers bar
and kissed her
she could die.
If I had a venereal disease
and kissed her
she would be fine.

My girlfriend will never know the ecstasy
that is a Peanut Buster Parfait,
unlike hockey legend Bobby Orr,
who eats as many as three of them a day.

Hockey legend Bobby Orr
hangs out at a Dairy Queen in Waltham, MA
with Gordie Howe and Eddie Shore.
Together, they act real stupid
and try to pick up girls.

When Wayne Gretzky retired,
Hockey legend Bobby Orr
called him and asked him
to come over and hang out.
But when Wayne Gretzky showed up
they took his helmet
and played keepaway with it
until he cried.

"Don't be such a baby,
stop your crying,"
said hockey legend Bobby Orr,
tossing the helmet back,
"We were just playing."

"I wasn't crying,"
said Wayne Gretzky,
turning to go home.
"I just have something in my eye."

But you can't fool
hockey legend Bobby Orr.
He knows when
you have something in your eye
and when you're crying.

Wayne Gretzky wears his helmet all the time.
He is terrified of everything,
and the helmet makes him feel safe.
On the plane flight home from Waltham, MA
he held onto his helmet and cried
all the way home.

My girlfriend is not afraid of flying.
If she were in a plane crash,
there is a chance she would survive.
But if she ate the peanuts
that are the inflight snack,
she would die.

When I am afraid,
I hold onto my girlfriend
and she makes me feel safe.

I have a recurring nightmare
that my girlfriend and I
are playing hockey,
and I hit her in the mouth with the puck.
But in the dream
instead of a puck
it's a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup
and I accidentally kill her.

Read the Interview with Bucky Sinister